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Will you help find the right way up Or let me take the wrong way down Will you straighten me out or make me take the long way around I took the low road in I'll take the high road out I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without-TDG
 
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 Connor's POV

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PostSubject: Connor's POV   Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:40 pm

“I snuck out so I could see Jude, alright!” Connor yelled across the room, looking at his dad as the hopes and dreams of his son came crashing down all around him.

His dad continued to look at him questioningly, as if he had just heard him wrong, “What does that mean!?!”, he said.

Connor couldn’t say the word. He still didn’t like that word. Talking about it, saying it, thinking it. He could never get the word out of his mouth when it was about himself. Anyone else, sure. But he was still too ashamed and embarrassed to think of himself in that way. There was no helping how he felt about Jude. 


He had tried telling himself it was just a really great friendship that others aren’t lucky enough to compare to, but really, he knew what it was and what he felt. He just didn’t want to agree to any labels because that would be admitting he was and he would be looked at differently. His dad would never be proud of him ever again. He may not even claim him as family once he completely came clean about it to him. What if his mom didn’t accept it either? Where would he go?


Connor continued to look at his dad, then when he couldn’t stand the silence to go any further, looked down and said, “Dad, I know you’ll never understand but this is who I am. There’s nothing you can say or do….to make this go away. I’m not choosing anything. This is what I am going through and no one would choose that. I hate it. I hate myself. I’m ashamed.” He said with a glimmer starting to show in the corner of both his eyes. He had said as much as he could handle and couldn’t think straight wondering what his dad would do. Or say.


His dad looked at him dumb-founded, surprised to hear his son admitting to any of this. “I’m disappointed, Connor. You’re not gay! That’s all I’m going to say about this. End of discussion!” Connor looked at his dad, stunned that he would say any of it.

“Dad.” He said, the pain from his dad’s words obvious as he spoke. 

“Connor! We’ll talk about it later, when were home. That’s enough!”, his dad yelled at him before storming out of the room leaving Connor in shambles, tears running down his face. He couldn’t have pictured this going any worse then it did. He had finally plucked up the courage to say something and then….he was shut down so fast, he’d got whiplash and he’d never think to do it again.


———————————————————————


As Connor sat beside Jude, thankful he could if not for Lena having the courage to say what she did, he looked at Jude, waiting for a reaction. His face portrayed every emotion he seemed to feel. Shock, disgust, confusion, hurt. It was amazing how something could feel so right and someone can tell you that your wrong, that you finally found love and they think your faking it? How can someone say such cruel things and believe it themselves when it seems so blatantly obvious to everyone else. They like each other and theres nothing he’s done so far, no matter how threatening or awful, to keep these two apart.

“I still can’t believe you stood up to my dad just to see me.” He said smiling, amazed that he would do that for him. That he didn’t give up, he actually thought he was worth fighting for. And he did. It was a lot more then what Connor felt he could do. He had never stood up to his dad till the day before.

“Of course. I like you. Your worth a lot to me. I’ve been here for several hours. It wasn’t to prove to your dad anything. And I was worried.” Jude said with a smile. Hoping Connor would realize he is worthy of his love. He wanted to make Connor understand he was worthy of many things, and he was definitely worthy of his love.


Jude laid his head on Connor’s shoulder before Connor decided to lay his on Jude’s head. They sat together, pondering what to say or what their next battle strategy would be. They were finally together but Jude didn’t seem convinced it would last and neither did Connor.


He wished he was old enough to leave his parents’ house and his dad not tell him how to live his life in such a constricted way. Yes, he had messed up a few times here and there but only because he was rebelling against his dad or because his dad didn’t understand how he could feel a certain way towards his best friend. So sometimes he didn’t tell him he was going to Jude’s when really, he was. He had gotten to where he took turns for awhile between visiting Daria and visiting Jude.


Oh no, Daria, he thought.


What was he going to do about her. She would want an explanation and whether he told her or not, she’d be out to get him. What if she found out? He wasn’t ready to face the whole school knowing his secret. He had hardly started telling people. It was still scary to him to think of telling his mom. How could he deal with the guys on his baseball team knowing? They wouldn’t let him in the locker room. Its not like he’s attract to every male, but there’s no way to convince people when they get a thought in their head about you. They have to change it on their own.


Connor sat up, moving his head, causing Jude to sit up and look at him. “Its probably almost time for you to go. I go home tomorrow, can we hang out? Anywhere is fine, I just want to see you. And get out of my house while my dad’s still upset. I could text you.” Connor said, sad to see him go. He felt as if he was alone in this world and the only time he wasn’t was when he spent time with Jude. He seemed to keep the loneliness and any other negative feelings, at bay.


Jude looked at Connor, smiling. “Wait. You can’t push me out like that. We haven’t even discussed what we are. So are we…And what about Daria, your girlfriend?” Jude looked at Connor hoping for some form of a yes.


Connor looked at Jude, his eyes looking back at him. Before he could think, he closed his eyes and kissed Jude. They sat for a moment, just enjoying being able to do so, continuing their longest kiss ever. There was a knock at the door, Lena opened it motioning Jude. “Honey, we’ve gotta go. Your mom has dinner for everyone at home and I’m sure Connor needs his rest. Hope you feel better. sweetie.” she said, turning around to go to the hallway to wait again.


He waved at Lena, almost to say hi and thank you at the same time. His attention went back to Jude, hardly able to pay attention to anything else. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll talk to Daria. I will. As soon as she can visit I’ll tell her face to face.” He said, smiling. As Jude stood up, he quickly pecked Connor on the cheek then walked out flushed from his ‘date’ with his new boyfriend. He couldn’t seem to calm his nerves he was in such a good mood and still in awe from the realization of what just happened.


As the door shut and he was left alone again, the loneliness crept in again and his thoughts went back to what his dad said. He was still worried as to how his mom would react. He thought about telling her the next day when she came to take him home. She was off tomorrow, a Sunday. He would tell her while his dad was away at work. He had an unpredictable schedule. He worked more then he was off or home.

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PostSubject: Re: Connor's POV   Mon Apr 20, 2015 2:27 pm

Two Days Later:

Connor’s released from the hospital. His mom came to sign him out. After signing all the papers she walked in the room as he had just finished getting his bag together and sat it on the bed. He sat beside it staring out the window facing away from the door. “Connor, are you ready?”, she asked with a sigh, waiting at the door. He turned around, looking at her and nodded, acting as if she had just yelled at him, keeping his head down like he was in trouble. They leave the hospital and get in the car to head home. As he sits in the car, Connor looks down glancing back and forth between his phone and his mom scared of what she knows or will say. She seemed mad and he couldn’t imagine why unless she knew his secret.

“Mom, do you hate me?” He asked as she turned her head towards him for a moment then back at the road, putting her hand on his, leaving it there as they drove home. As they pulled into the driveway, she parked the car and took off her sunglasses looking over at Connor.

“I love you. You should always know that, and that there’s nothing you can do to make that go away. But your father needs to have a word with you when we get inside, okay?” she says before opening the car door and getting out. She walks over to him, kissing him on the forehead then putting her arms around him, squeezing tightly then letting go. He pulls away from her as she lets go.

“What if he gets out of control? I don’t know how much more I can take.” He says looking at his mother, desperation showing in his eyes. He was horrified to talk to his dad because he seemed to have a moment of clarity before, but now that he had had more time to think, change his mind maybe. Was he going to kick him out or disown him? He couldn’t think of any good coming from this. His dad was never a guy to keep his word or be reasonable for long and this wouldn’t be an exception. He had his own agenda that he had always made for Connor so his life would go exactly how he wanted but somewhere along those lines he had ‘become gay’ and got injured. He couldn’t play any kind of sports for a good while. So, he had derailed the train to success by miles in his dad’s eyes he imagined, and now he didn’t know what kind of madness his dad had probably reached in his absence.

As Connor walked into the house, he kept thinking of Jude, trying to keep himself calm. He was already so nervous there was no coming down from this. He wasn’t ready for any kind of confrontation from his dad or any talks about how his son is a big gay disappointment. He walked through the door trying to move as quick as possible to the stairs. To retreat to his room long enough for his dad to forget he had a son. As his foot touched the first step he heard his father call him into the living room. He wobbled into the room trying to keep his head down and focused on the floor. As soon as he was in reach, his dad embraced him, smiling ear to ear. 

“Son, glad your home. I hope you know your grounded.” his father said, waiting for him to walk closer. “Hey, look at me. I love you but we really need to sit down and talk about how things will be different. What’s going to happen now that your home.”

Connor’s father hugged him, fakely welcoming him home as he seemed to act like a lot when he was about to get his way, in his smug way of thinking he could get everyone involved to let him by laying down and taking it. He jerked himself out of his father’s grasp, not giving him a chance to try it again, by sitting down on the couch in front of him. As he continued his staring contest with the floor. His mother moved to be beside him on the couch, rubbing his back to comfort him knowing his nerves were getting the best of him. His dad took a seat on the coffee table, sitting in front of Connor to get closer to him while he talked, still desperate to feel like he had his attention.

“So, as you may have guessed, I do want to talk about what you said in the hospital. I’ve had some time to think about it and I wanna know….why? Why now? Is this over now that we let you be whatever and let your friend visit? Have you got this out of your system? Honestly, Connor, I think your throwing your life away with this Jude kid. I think this is unhealthy. I think your lashing out at me. It needs to stop. Now, I’ve been reading up on this, seeing what other parents say and they say this could go on for years and I’m just going to stop this now. Your going to cut off all communication with this Jude kid. This is unhealthy and I think you should see someone about this. We will be taking you somewhere to talk to a specialist. They will help you.”

Connor looked up at his father, baffled…..stunned. His eyes start watering. His face turning from complete shock to enraged. “You think this is an act? People kill themselves because they hate they were born this way. People would rather die then be themselves, trying to conform to what their parents want because they put them over themselves just to keep in their place of living or in their own family. I hate that….I am….an-and I don’t WANT to be this way. Would it make a difference if I said I would rather be dead then be myself? I thought you understood. I thought you knew I was mature and wouldn’t make things up to get your attention. I’m older now and don’t crave your love and attention as much as I used to. I feel betrayed. I used to want to be like you. I used to think you were great but your just like everyone else, but worse.” He says as he tries to stand up, tears rolling down his face as he gets even more angry. He reached boiling point a long time ago and he finally exploded, giving his dad his full opinion.

As he begins to stand his father puts his hand on his shoulder, forcing him to fall back on the couch. “I was trying to be nice. Sitting you down and telling you how this would go and you disrespect me. I thought I had raised you better. That you knew what respect was but apparently….you don’t. We’ll talk more later but for now….were done.” His dad said standing up looking away from Connor, angry he didn’t take it so passively.

“I will never love you the same or have any respect for you. You make me hate myself more then anyone. You make it shameful to be who I am. I wish-“, before he could finish what he was saying his dad put his hands around his neck, cutting off his breathing, scaring him but more angering him now.

“Didn’t I say we were done here?” His dad said while continuing to hold him this way till he could get his son to nod back but he wouldn’t. He let go leaving him to fall back into the couch. He sat for a moment, taking deep breaths, regaining color in his face again while holding his neck.

As Mr. Stevens began walking away his wife chased after him putting her hand on his arm to stop him. “Don’t you think this is going too far? Your going to push him away an then where will he be or what will be going on in his life several years from now? We won’t know.” she says to her husband in a hushed tone, still close to where Connor sat, who was looking up at his father, glaring.

Mr. Stevens turned to look at his wife, holding onto her, putting her against a wall less then a foot away, “Did I not just say we’d talk about it later? I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only respectable one here.” He says, shouting at her while she tries to get out of his grip as he holds her there.

“Your hurting me!” she says as he lets go and backs away from her, looking at her as if she was a disgust.

Connor gets up using mostly the one good leg he has and walks over to his dad, punching him in the face, trying to defend his mom. He tried to deal with it when he hurt him, but when he hurt his mom he couldn’t bear seeing it. He had spent many nights sitting on the bathroom floor cleaning blood off his face or wherever, and trying to console his mother after he had hurt or scared her. She was too scared of her own husband or what he would do to her. She felt like if she ever tried to leave, he’d find her and that time, would kill her. He had left both of them a few times in a very battered state and they feared for their lives, and feared they’d do another thing to ‘disrespect’ him when he was doing just that to them, frequently.

His father took the surprise hit across his face, quickly swinging in Connor’s direction, getting him in the eye, causing him to fall from the hit and the unsteadiness of his standing. He fell back and his dad pinned him down, “Are you done? I’m so close to sending you away where you’ll never be allowed to look at someone the wrong way, let alone, think of them in any way. Keep it up, Connor.” He said taking a leave out the front door, slamming it, leaving his family sprawled across the room in fear and shock. Connor looked at his mom wanting to cry, thinking of how many more years he’d have to put up with this till he could leave and never come back.

They both got up and Connor asked, “Can you take me to the Fosters before he comes home again? Please mom.” She nodded and they got in the car and drove away from the house, what had just happened, and away to somewhere happier.

She stopped in front of the Fosters’ house, parking to help him get out. She looked at him, putting her hand on his leg while looking up saying, “I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow will be better.”, just before he got out, helping himself to the door. She followed along trying to help but he just wanted away. She had let this happen to him and she was the only one who could save him from it happening, but she was too scared to help herself.

He knocked on the door, seeing Lena open the door, “Connor, so good of you to come….by. What happened to your-“ she said as Connor walked in past her before she could say anything else about the black eye which he knew was coming in by now. “Hi Lena.” Connor said in passing. He just needed to see Jude. Thats all he wanted. He knew if he could get to him, he’d feel safe and loved and everything would begin to feel better.

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PostSubject: Re: Connor's POV   Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:41 pm

He made it up the steps to Jude’s room. He opened the door and walked straight in, falling next to Jude on the bed. His boyfriend looked up, surprised to see him. His face turning from a smile to a frown, concerned for his boyfriend after seeing his face. “Hi.” He said rolling on his side to see Jude’s face. He was on the brink of crying but he was always too stubborn and held it in as long as he could or until the feeling went away. Jude ran his hand over his face, happy to finally see him here, get him away from his parents. He knew he had been dreading going home but he never thought it’d be that bad.

“Did he do this to you? Did he change his mind or?”, he asked, waiting for an answer to come from his boyfriend who was busy playing with a string on his shirt. Jude took Connor’s hand and put it in his.

“I’m just terrible with crutches. No big deal.” He said, hoping Jude would buy it and they wouldn’t have to talk about any of it. He never knew what would happen to him or how far away he’d be taken from everyone and everything he knew, if someone knew the truth about his home life. It was always bad but now, he just wanted to stay close to Jude and never be taken away from him. He could hide out at the Fosters’ house once in awhile and ride his bike back and forth when he didn’t have to get a ride from his mom because of his foot.

“Connor, I don’t believe you. Please, tell me.”, he says in a pleading manner. “I care about you. I know you don’t want to tell me but I’ve been there before too. People beat me pretty bad when I was in foster care but I didn’t say anything because its dangerous. Your afraid of him or your afraid of change. My family can help you though.”, he says while putting his hand on Connor’s shoulder, trying to give him some comfort in knowing he is there for him. Connor looked around thinking it over if he should tell Jude but decided against it. He was afraid of change. He was afraid he’d be taken away from both his parents because of what his father did. He was afraid his dad would try taking his mom down with him or come after them.

“Jude, lay off. I did this to myself. I just wanted to come see you and get your advice for what to do about Daria.”, he turned over, away from Jude to sit on the edge of the bed. He shouldn’t have got upset with his boyfriend. He just wanted him to stop. He couldn’t afford for this to get out about his dad.

Jude moved closer, putting his hand on his shoulder again. “I thought you’d tell me the truth. Why won’t you?” Connor turned around, looking into Jude’s eyes.

“I can’t talk about it. I needed you today. It was awful. I really missed you. I’m sorry. I just..”, he said letting a single tear fall as he thought on how his day had gone. It really had been awful. Unimaginably bad to be honest.

“Connor, just tell me. I care about you. Why won’t you let me help you?”, Jude said. He hurt for Connor and it hurt him that his boyfriend wouldn’t tell him something so serious. They started out as best friends, building their trust and care for one another. Jude wouldn’t keep anything from Connor for the fear of their fragile and new relationship not taking it well or, if in the same situation as Connor and Connor in Jude’s, something happening to Jude because he didn’t say anything to his boyfriend who could’ve help him possibly. 

“Because my dad abuses me and my mom and I don’t want to be taken away from you! Your the only happy thing in my life left! I can’t go home without the fear he’ll be there. I don’t want your mom to do something about it because my life would be unbearable. It’ll only get worse.”, Connor says as he cries even harder now, scared that he told Jude the truth. What would he do now that he knew? He would of course want to protect Connor but what would happen next if he told his moms? Lena would be loving and comforting but Stef….she would be the one to get up and do something. That was what scared him the most. What would she do?

They sat for a moment, in silence, everything starting to make sense to Jude, everything settling in for Connor. “Jude, I want you to be my boyfriend. Only you. Today can we make the day better by just, I don’t know, coming clean about some things? To people we love….and don’t love? We should tell your family about us today and I should break up with Daria. I just want to think about something else and I want you to take me serious. I’m changing my life for you….and myself. But mostly for you. I want a clean slate. I want you to trust me. I don’t want to be a secret anymore then you do. Also, are you cool with me telling Daria WHY I’m breaking up with her?” Connor said looking over at Jude, exhaling as if it was physically hard to say everything he had just said, not just mentally.

Jude looked at Connor confused, “You mean, right….now? Tell them? You could bring Daria here I guess? I’m surprised. HAPPY, but surprised. Are you sure? If you tell her, she might tell the rest of the school….but your sure?” Before he could finish talking Connor jumped up, almost forgetting about his injury, and held out his hands for Jude to stand up.

“I hate this but let’s do it. I need to be out. I don’t want my boyfriend to have to keep US to himself. I like you and I’ll hurt anyone who has anything bad to say about you. I just appreciate you not questioning me, how I’ve been lately with my dad and…thank you for trying to help. I don’t want to tell your moms about that though. Deal?” Connor says, hugging Jude to show his thanks. Jude pulls away still holding onto his boyfriend.

“Wait. What are you going to do about your dad then? You can’t honestly expect me to let you go home everyday knowing he’s hurting you. I won’t!”, he says, seeing how hurt and mad Connor is getting.


“But I thought you would understand? I can’t lose you and I don’t want anything to happen to my mom if I tell. I don’t know what would happen to me, if I would be able to stay with my mom. Please Jude, give me time to talk to my mom and figure something out. I’m not the only one hurt by this. He is my dad after all and I haven’t thought this through.” Connor sat back down, scared at what he had done. He could tell, Jude was to going to give this up. He might not let him leave tonight either. But really, it had been a matter of time before he found out. He always had marks from begin hit or burnt or had so much pain he couldn’t bear to sit or stand at times because his side hurt or his legs. It was a problem but Connor had never been able to talk his mom out of this situation because in some twisted way, she had hope for her husband and that he would change.

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